Is it abnormal to want to “appear” or to “look like”? To try to give the most favorable image of myself, even if it does not fully correspond to who I am? Why are we often prone to this distortion of reality?
1/ It is normal to try to show a good image of myself.
At first sight, there is no reason to feel guilty about it: if we want to “appear”, to show a good image of ourselves, it is because we are sensitive to the perception of our entourage, which is normal since we live in society. How to interpret, in this case, the assertion of some: “I don’t care at all what others think of me! ” ? Either as a form of sociopathy 😊, characterized by a lack of empathy that prevents understanding what others may feel, or as the expression of a desire to display an image of independence, freedom of spirit, which is precisely part of a desire to show an image of myself. Being sensitive to the gaze of others and seeking to offer them a good image of myself is not therefore negative in itself.
2/ But this desire to show who I am is often a reflection of my vulnerability.
On the other hand, it can be useful to look at the deep motivations that push us to build such an image towards the outside world. By digging a little, we can often identify unexpressed fears or unsatisfied needs. In this respect, we could quote Jean de La Fontaine and his “The Frog that wished to be as big as the Ox“. But nature itself offers many examples such as the surprising caterpillar Hemeroplanes triptolemus which lives in Costa Rica and takes the appearance of a snake to scare away its predators. The image it gives of itself is due to its fear of being eaten.
For human beings, we talk about the “representation” of ourselves, an interesting term since it is also used to designate a theatrical performance. But playing a role all the time is not without consequences on our morale, our motivation and our health in general.
3/ By trying too much to show who I am, I get frustrated and exhausted.
First of all, playing a role all the time is energy consuming: all professional actors can testify to this. Playing a role forces me to live in permanent tension, in fear of making a false note and being unmasked.
Secondly, it forces us to constantly change costumes to play the roles of our life: the good professional, the good husband or wife, the good parent, the good child, the good friend… at the risk of losing ourselves by believing in our own mask.
Finally, although the image I want to give of myself is positive (e.g.: to be a good person, to be reliable, to be strong, to be courageous, to be exemplary, to be successful…), it becomes a hindrance for me as soon as I make it a personal objective. In this case, in fact, I will start to act to show others or to prove to myself that I am this positive image. In doing so, I become self-centered and prevent others from seeing me at my best.
The more I try to show who I am, the less I am.
How do you feel when you are pursuing a goal that gets further away as you try to achieve it? Frustration and eventually discouragement.
By trying too hard to look good, you end up discouraged and lose confidence in yourself. This is what leads some people to become bitter over the years and pushes, for example, more and more social network “influencers” towards depression.
4/ Accepting my own vulnerability is a path to freedom and leadership.
Vulnerability does not mean weakness: to be vulnerable is to recognize that we need others and that we cannot succeed alone. In other words, having the courage to recognize vulnerability means accepting reality as it is, and being fully aware of it, which is a necessary condition for making wise and appropriate decisions.
From a leadership point of view, when a manager peacefully accepts his or her own vulnerability, he or she gives meaning to the team around him or her: “I can’t do it alone. I need you to succeed”. It’s a more motivating message than “I’m perfect and I’m trying to pull you towards my level of perfection… [which I hope you’ll never reach, so as not to compete with me 😉…]”.
In conclusion: Wanting to appear with a positive image is not a disease! But to want to appear too much, we lock ourselves in and we exhaust ourselves. It takes courage to accept to be and to take the risk to show ourselves vulnerable. This is the price of true inner freedom that leads to peace, leadership and deep joy.